aka the bachelor season 16, episode FANTASY SUITES

you guys i’m so excited to be back to live-blogging the bachelor aka Snoopy and Lucy’s Bastard Child finds True Love. i am doing this for ellen and only ellen because as far as i can tell she’s the only person who reads these recaps. well except for my off-tumblr friends who i shamelessly promote myself to. 

i absolutely cannot wait for this episode. there’s gonna be a sneak peek at emily as the next bachelorette aka the most sexless season of all time. 

ok the episode begins with ben talking about his adventure and “incredible journey” and all of the “incredible, beautiful women” he has left blah blah i wish i could play a drinking game with myself without feeling like an alcoholic.

why do they show ben at an airport checking in for a flight when we all know these bitches fly private? the plane is blatantly empty except for him and the camera crew zooming in WAY-TOO-TIGHT for his thoughtful stares out the window.

SPOTTED nicki’s lower back tattoo. even ben just called her a “dark horse.” does this droopy bitch not recognize that this whole thing is about his OWN CHOICES? it’s not like it will just be decided by random luck. this is like courtney’s-dad-logic. refresher: last episode courtney’s dad said that “marriage is the biggest gamble in life.” and later clarified that it always has a 50/50 chance of working. what a total dumbfuck (though his argyle vest gave that away long before this gem of stupidity). it’s not like you just spin the roulette wheel and land on some random marriage prospect…nor do statistics about divorce actually apply to an individual circumstance. besides, if you’re talking statistics, in bachelor land that 50% plummets to like 2%. these whores never make it to the alter. 

ugh it makes me sick listening to ben do the rundown of all these women. he thinks he may be falling in love with all of them who cares who cares.

he’s basically acknowledging that he likes courtney the most. flashback to her babyest-voice moment. he just said he likes that she’s “a little nerdy.” is he watching the same person? yeah, bitch is psychotic, aggressive, insecure and desperate, but those really aren’t synonyms for nerdy. 

“when i’m in love with someone, i give that person every. single. thing that i have.” hahah ok ben i hope you bring your entire paycheck home to courtney for the rest of your life and also literally take out your organs one by one for her to eat every night at zombie dinner. that would truly be a win-win situation for the entire world. winning.

no snark switzerland is the most beautiful country in the world. but why is he dressed like a serial killer? black leather gloves are soooo ‘94 OJ.

interlaken? i thought it was interlochen? why does abc have to anglicize the shit out of everything? isn’t it enough to trivialize and appropriate essential aspects of marginalized cultures for the sake of third-rate american capitalist entertainment? this show literally commodifies foreign cultures in the shallowest ways.

ok we see nicki and she appears to have dyed her hair darker. i like the look. god i’m just as dull as this show. she’s so cute and fun, i wanna go out with her and ride mechanical bulls cause you know this chick is into that shit. she’s so dumb but it’s fine cause so is he. she’s like the partygirl version of kacie b.

“my relationship to nicki is getting to new heights” ugh helicopter pun “…but at the same time, it’s grounded” UGH ACTUAL GAGS OVEREXTENDED METAPHOR

“oh my word.” jesus ben are you sure that grandma on episode 1 WASN’T actually your soulmate?

just realized that if ben chooses nicki they’ll be one of those weird sibling couples. you know the ones. the ones who look like they could be brother and sister. too bizarre.

ok so i am not that much of a veteran with the whole dating thing but i’m pretty sure the only thing worse than being forever alone is spending the entirety of your relationship discussing the state of said relationship. you guys love is not a goddamn tautological experience. saying “i love you” over and over does not equate to actually EXPERIENCING love.

“i’m hoping that she’ll say yes to an overnight, because it feels like we’re continuing our love story.” ugh ben you giant whore pig shut your mouth. it’s fine to get your touches, i won’t deny that, but don’t act like reality tv is the same as a fairy tale.

oh damn they’re gonna CAST the next bachelor? so emily’s #2 is already out of the picture? i like this development. especially since i have a feeling her final dudes will all be virgin mormons.

i love that nicki’s got curves on her. i wish she would be the next bachelorette instead of emily. she’s like eva longoria with boobs. she’s also got drew barrymore sideways mouth which is surprisingly cute on her.

ben is a lesbian just saying.

UH OH BEN WANTS 4 KIDS AND SHE WANTS 2 TROUBLE IN PARADISE

ben looks like he has novocaine numbing his mouth and olive oil suffocating his hair at all times.

oh damn you KNOW this bitch ain’t gonna turn down the overnight date. this girl loves the dick which i LOVE about her. she’s like giddy about it. git it git it git it girl. 

i don’t think i’ve seen ben say even 10 words on this date so far. why is he making nicki do all the work??? he only nods and kisses like a slutty puppy.

ok nicki no reason for this much commentary! it’s like she’s so aware of the camera that she feels the need to narrate what’s happening to the audience. we get it, you’re gonna fuck, you want him to wife you up and he’s probably seriously considering it cause you’re wet and half-naked in a hot tub in switzerland. and we all know ben makes his decisions with his boner.

oh shit the person who comes to his hotel room to warn him about courtney is gonna be kacie b. i’d recognize that alabama baby bird voice anywhere! or is it tennessee? whatever.

ok so 2 for 2 on the “RUNNING AT BEN THE MOMENT YOU SEE HIM.” good job lindzi and nicki. lindzi has still not fixed her hideous hair color. take a page from nicki’s book lindzi. or don’t…i guess that’s something you can have in common with ben huh?

hahah ben had no idea this was gonna be their date and it’s so obvious. i would cry if someone asked me to do this. here’s what i love about these kinds of dates: abc tricks these motherfuckers into thinking that there is some correlation between physical danger and emotional risk-taking. meanwhile, the whole audience buys this parallel because they mistake it for the parallel between their joy at watching emotional humiliation and their joy at watching their humiliating terrified reactions.

hot tub cuddling is the only way to fall in love in switzerland, obviously.

ok calling it right now: he’s gonna choose courtney and here’s why- he loves lindzi the most but she will be the WORST at sex. nicki will be the best at sex technically, but courtney’s desperation to please a man at any cost will still trump nicki in bed, especially with a narcissistic pig like ben (seriously, he says “oh my dad” instead of “oh my god”??? bitch do you think you’re jesus?), as will her obvious desperate obsession with making him love her. 

i actually am still up in the air about how dumb i truly think ben is. on some level i really do think he’s just a vapid idiot. he is undeniably lacking ENTIRELY in intuition, for instance. but i also think that he doesn’t buy into this show as much he pretends to. i honestly think that he doesn’t intend to marry the person he chooses on this show unless he ends up falling in genuine love off-camera after it’s over. thus his main objective with his final choice will be the girl he wants to keep sleeping with for a few more months the most, rather than the girl he genuinely sees as his wife since he saw how fake it ended up being last time when he really thought he was in love with ashley’s annoying toothy ass. result? courtney wins.

another thing i’m calling right now: lindzi has only slept with her ex who left her in dumpsville and no one else ever.

ben your bowtie is stunning never change.

this is the cutest couple in the seventh grade. L+B 4EVA.

why does she have white lips? her entire style is so 2002. still like a decade ahead of ben’s greasy ass.

i love that these girls always act all surprised by the fantasy suite invites, as if they’ve never watched this show in their lives. also sidenote: WHY THE FUCK ARE THE INVITATIONS FROM CHRIS HARRISON??? HOW FUCKING CREEPY IS IT THAT AN OLDER THIRD-PARTY MAN IS INVITING THESE WOMEN TO HAVE SEX WITH HIS FRIEND BEN? seriously if i were on this show i’d open the invitation and i’d go, “look, this is nice and all, and i am definitely into sleeping with you, but can you invite me to do so instead of chris harrison? i don’t want this dude in our sex life in any way shape or form, you giant giant creep.”

“i was really worried that lindzi wasn’t really in a place to fully open up to me…” translation: fully open her body to my unlimited access.

if he dumps her i will actually cry. please don’t dump her. she loves you so much. actually you should have dumped her weeks ago to spare her heart when this inevitably ends badly.

OOOOH DAMN BEN. that coat is really nice. and we’re 3 for 3 on the “running at ben to greet him” count.

courtney is truly beautiful in a way the other girls cannot compare to. i think that makes her the frontrunner in the Contest of Who Gets Ben’s Dick the Hardest.

you can’t think of someone else you’d rather be with? weren’t you the one who, just two episodes ago, insisted that ben was not the only guy in the world when the girls were worried about not getting a rose? whyyyy yoooou two-faced daughter of a bastard.

ok fine they’re a good couple but only because they’re both bizarre and terrible fine whatever you win courtney if he chooses you it’s the right choice.

“i don’t know if we can recover from all this stuff.” courtney WHAT your own behavior is not a disease that you have that is beyond your control. actually honestly maybe it is. this chick could easily have borderline personality disorder. but i just absolutely hate when people act as if their own actions are something that happened to THEM. it’s like chris brown syndrome.

if i were courtney i would totally own that “kill shot” moment cause that shit was HILARIOUS. i would apologize for everything except that.

ok she’s showing some vague semblance of accountability now so i guess i’ll forgive her since the prize she’s seeking is BEN FLAJNIK who is someone even goodwill would give away.

i have nothing to say about the rest of this episode until further notice. there is clearly zero doubt that courtney is gonna take the fantasy suite key since they’ve already basically fucked in the ocean weeks earlier. they’re gonna have sex and then there’s gonna be a rose ceremony and someone will cry and courtney will be his fiancee but never his wife.

they’re also kind of a sibling couple. sister wives.

YES MORE HOT TUB CUDDLING ok i’m really done for now.

BACHELORETTE PREVIEW YESSSSS emily’s daughter looks like she got a mild touch of down syndrome. i’m too busy laughing at the rest of this getting-our-hair-and-makeup-done-and-going-to-see-titanic-in-3D scenario to actually comment upon it. suffice it to say that showing ashley reach out towards the screen and go “it’s like you can almost touch it!!” is the most hilariously unnecessary explanation of HOW 3D WORKS. also the product placement this season has been beyond blatant. why not just have ben hold up a coca cola and go “have a coke and refresh!” every time he kicks one of these desperate hos off the show? i think that would be a kind gesture.

i don’t care about the rest of this and i keep pausing it to have beers and philosophical conversations with my brother. therefore imma hit publish and never look back. see you next week when someone else’s heart gets broken for no reason whatsoever.