why anyone would ever do or say anything they don’t really believe in with their whole selves. it seems like the standard way of living life for most people is saying yes to things or people they don’t really care one way or the other about.

perhaps that’s why i have such a problem with being indecisive. i see all commitments, big or small, as proclamations of the self, because they are things to which i’m lending my name, my time, my energy, etc. so maybe i’m the one doing it wrong, who knows?

i remember once when i was 10 or 11 my dad asked me why i would get so passionate about any argument, even over impersonal matters. and i said to him, why would you ever choose to fight about anything if you weren’t planning to fight as hard as you could? i still think that way. i’d rather not waste one second of time or emotional investment on anything i didn’t intend to give every ounce of myself to if need be.

/xanga post